It has taken me so many days and nights of tears to be able to sit here and face these words.
Annie is dead. Gone. Not here anymore. The 13th of May 2020 stole her.
The moment I heard the news that my best friend, my heartbeat, my soul safe keeper has died, all alone in a foreign country, I broke. It was more than shock or sadness and in the days that followed the news, I found myself not being able to breathe. To feel. To accept. So in her infamous words: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
The helplessness, the why’s, the did I say I love you enough, the what the fuck now… it comes in waves and I have tried to write it away. Drink it away. Walk it away. Occupy it away. Life has now been divided into before Annie died and what the fuck now? In all the uncertainty in life, you and I both had one solid fucking fact: we had each other, no matter fucking what.
You broke our fucking deal and you left.
I listen to music to try and hear you. In this one song it says I was just getting used to being someone you loved. Well, I just got used to being loved without fighting it, without fearing it away. You were the only constant in my life and I could let my guard down. I love you so fucking much. And I know, which is so fucking unreal, is that you were the one person who fucking loved me so much too. No matter how stupid I acted, how insecure and fearful I would get, you would be there. My safe place. My beautiful Annelien. Your death fucked me up good. I was diagnosed with a heart condition today and usually you would be the first person I would tell and today, I found out and had no one to be safely scared with. Your secrets were easy to carry, just like it was easy to love you and be around you. You taught so many fucking things and I look at your photos of your travels during the last 4 years and I knew you were happy. No one fucking deserved it more than you.
On Friday I will hike up the mountain, even if my heart gives in and I will drink a shot of vodka on you, your life and what you will forever be to me. I will play a song for you and cry and rage and smile. Because you. You were you and fuck I am lucky to not only have known and love you, but to call you truly my best friend.
So, my liefste Annelien, wherever you are, I hope you are with ‘Dave’, that Kitty is with you and that you are swearing the shit out of everything and you can breathe easy. I fucking love you. RIP.