It is almost 4 am and the silence surrounds me yet again. I cut my palms into the spaces between these words. Shooting bullets into my raw wounds, lack of actions and the blood dripping from razor sharp edges of photos from a time gone by and yet… I chose this, I keep choosing this , simply cause I know no other way. I cannot pretend I did not see you. My weakness should be colourful as it finds its way down the familiar routes of this barren land. This emptiness should have more sound, it should be louder. I should be more blinded and more numb. And yet….

Do you know how many nights I cried these words over my skin, nothing and everything makes sense as we keep playing this stupid game of power under a tormented sky. Do you know how long a night can be… how empty a house filled with memories could be.. how loud silence becomes?  I fill my hours with music, listening to The Cure. You don’t know it and you refuse to believe it, but every day is a fight for the loss of you.

I silently retreated to this space where I cannot physically see or hear you. You aren’t here and yet, you are the only one here. I sit here in the vastness of nothing and I do not know if this ache is keeping me alive or if I am committing slow suicide. I am unconsciously trying to become everything you rage about me. [The not worthy]. [The one who fucked up everything worthy]. [The one who didn’t try hard enough]. [The one who didn’t fight for it]. You can be proud, you made me what you believe I am.

And now?  Now we are nowhere, doing nothing. I took all the blows you threw my way, cause I figured the more you hit me, the less you will hurt (emotional blows). You won. Celebrate the victory. The things that keep us apart like pride, are the things that keeps us alone.  Ignoring myself is harder than you can imagine. Ignoring others are easy, too easy I have come to realise. The tides are changing and it is when you learn to swim with reckless abandon without keeping your eyes on the shores, that you no longer just see the masses of water, but also the fish, the brightness of a sky and you if you are lucky, you find pieces of yourself what was left behind and in those moments… you remember what you love.

And if you are really lucky.. it will be yourself.